Someone told me that as time progressed, I would feel better...things would get easier. I'm sure they had good, consoling intentions, but I would never tell someone something like that.
It's been almost 7 years and I still feel like it was yesterday. I can't think about her with tearing up. Its so hard. Getting older was supposed to bring more wisdom, but it has led me to seek more and more of her guidance. Its like she left without showing me the things I really would have liked to know. How to be a mother... How to manage my finances... How to handle heartbreak and juggle 3 tasks at once. I'm learning through trial and definite error. I can't even pick up the phone and just ask a quick question. She was gone so abruptly and I hate that.
I had a dream that I picked up and left. I got a plane and flew to some undiscovered island in search of a new beginning. When I go to the center of the island, I found Jackie washing her feet in a small spring. She looked radiant. Her smooth chocolate skin permeated through the rest of the beauty around her, standing its ground. She looked up and smiled at me as if she knew I was coming. She lay back on the rocks and breathed in the clear air around her. I joined her. We just stared in each other's eyes and had an unspoken conversation. I cried...hard. Still smiling, she said, "It's OK". She got up, gave me a flower that I've never seen before and began to walk away. I ran to chase her, she wasn't getting away a second time. But its seemed that no matter how fast I ran, I couldn't keep up with her... mind you she was walking (dreams, right). I tripped and began bleeding. She looked back, then kept walking. I don't remember the rest.
There was a certain freedom about her....I envy her.
So when will I feel better. Hell, I'm crying while I'm posting this. I ask myself everyday. I miss her with everything I have. Its a pain that I can literally feel. It hurts in my throat, arms, legs, and chest... even my back. I can almost feel my heart breaking. And no amount of singing, writing, cursing, or crying eases it any. It feels like I just saw her leave yesterday. I try to remember her in life, vibrant, energetic... as she was. But it only leads me back to her death. I know she wouldn't go for that, but I can't help it. There are so many remnants of her everywhere...at least to me there is. Salsa music...she loved it. Red and black...her favorite colors. My thoughts...I'm more like her than I'll admit. My son....
I used to participate in the AIDS walk religiously. But now I'm down to sending money and staying home crying. I can't do it anymore.
With my birthday approaching, I'm trying to rejoice. But all I can think about is her not being here.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
